Fallen angel

Two days ago (2 July), I was told that baby at exactly 10 weeks had no heart beat. Dr Anna and another doctor confirmed this through the transabdominal scan.

Hubby was in Shanghai at that time. I called him and cried the news to him.

Dr Anna arranged a D&C to clean the uterus on 4 July.

As much as I want the news to sink in, a part of me is hanging on hope that she may still be alive. What if it's a misdiagnosis? What if she's just lethargic? What if.... But I know I've to trust the doctors and my own eyes. She isn't moving and hasn't grown.

Hubby flew back the next day to be with me on the day of the surgery. I feel so sorry towards him. He is the positive one telling me that this baby though unexpected is definitely a precious gift from god.

We have made plans for her arrival.

The Gloomy 4th of July
My surgery was scheduled at 830am in the morning. I was told to be at NUH Day Surgery Centre by 645am.

I tossed and turned the whole night. I was just dozing off when the alarm clock went off at 5am. Snoozed for a while and got up at 515am to take the two Cytotec tablets that were given to me to take three hours before surgery.

I showered then woke Hubby up. While waiting for him to get ready, I keep myself occupied with the latest issue of Readers' Digest. The tummy cramps started to build up.

We left the house at around 615am. Mom, Dad and the kids were still asleep.

We stopped by MacDonalds along the way for Hubby to grab his breakfast.

As I was sitting alone in the car waiting for Hubby, I started crying and talking to my baby inside me. I wish she could hear me. I am sorry that I couldn't save her. I'm sorry that at times when I feel so sick, I've thought of giving up. But deep down, I was looking forward to her arrival. I wanted to name her Adele and 雨恩. I've made plans for her arrival. I've imagined her to have the beautiful eyes of Tessa and the sweetest smile of Dylan. But I guess I'm not good enough to deserve her. I hope she'll get reincarnated to a wonderful family that loves her; and be the most happy and healthy child. I really wish I could have held her in my arms, hug and kiss her.

Hubby's presence gave me a lot of strength and comfort. It warms my heart hearing him say that I'm most important and he's just worried about my health.

When we arrived at the day surgery centre, we had to take a queue number and wait for our turn to register. Our queue number is 1008.

After registration, we waited a while more before being led to the day surgery ward. We have requested for a private room, but they ran out of that room type and upgraded us to a suite. Inside Suite 8, I was given a gown and a robe and told to change.

The nurse then explained to us the procedures. I will be wheeled to the operating theatre at the main building. The anesthesist will explain the procedures to me at the OT. Operation will take around half an hour. After the op, I will be resting and monitored at the recovery ward for around an hour or so before being transferred back to the suite to rest and continued be monitored.

At slightly past 8am, an assistant came with the surgical bed and I was transferred over, and wheeled to the OT. Hubby followed as he can wait at the visitors lounge and be updated of my whereabouts.

As I was wheeled, I lay staring out of the windows. It was cloudy and gloomy outside. Grey and gloomy. I am bidding farewell to my unborn today. Hubby kept telling me not to be scared as he's with me. Actually I'm not afraid at all. I'm feeling very calm and composed, just sad. The pain from the surgery is nothing compared to the pain of losing my baby.

With a reassuring kiss from Hubby,  I was separated from him to embark on my first ever surgery. I was curious of how the OT is like. I've only seen one on TV. As I moved through the forbidden OT premises I saw many people in scrubs and caps.

I was first stopped at the recovery bay area where at least 4 people came to ask me the exact same questions:
- What's your full name?
- What's your NRIC number?
- any drug allergies?
- any medical conditions like asthma?
- when's the last time you eat and drink?
- are you wearing contact lens?
- any loose tooth, dentures or implants?

The anesthesist Dr Poon came to explain the GA procedures. She will inject a local anesthesia into my left hand to put in a drip. Medication will then be injected through the drip. I may feel tingling sensation up my arm as the medication flows down. I will be given a oxygen mask. The operation will only begin after I'm asleep.

Dr Anna also came to reassure me that it's god's way of rejecting foetus that is not viable.

After the rounds of questions and answers and instructions, I was finally wheeled to the OT.

At the OT where the surgery is going to take place, I was told to transfer over to the operating table. The table is actually heated and warms my body. Another anesthesist who introduced herself as Vivian told me to relax as they fussed over me. Dr Poon started to give me the local anesthesia and also put in the drip. Pain.

Vivian placed tapes on my body to monitor my vital stats throughout the operation. She told me that they will put a tube down my throat later to aid breathing. Then she places the oxygen mask on my face. I saw Dr Anna and heard her ask if she can start. The last thing I remembered was Vivian asking me to take deep breaths and keep my eyes open wide. She then injected some stuff into the drip. Then....

I heard the nurse called my name "Joanna! The operation is over!" and woke up. I'm back at the recovery bay area cubicle #4. I was at #5 earlier on. The nurse told me they need to continue monitor my blood pressure and heart beat before transferring me back to the suite to rest.

I realized they have removed my surgical cap and have moved me from the operating table back to the bed. I didn't know a thing. Amazing.

A short while later, I was ready to be pushed back to the ward. Once out of the OT, Hubby was waiting outside. I reassured him that I felt fine.

Back at the suite, the nurse informed that they need to still monitor blood pressure and heart beat. If I feel well in a while, she'll give me some milo to drink.

Two nurses helped to change my sanitary pad. Only then did I realize that I'm not wearing the disposable panty anymore but only had a maternity sanitary tied to me. Blood stained my robe and mattress cover.

I could feel blood coming out as if I'm having menses and some slight pain in the tummy and back. Otherwise I'm quite well and alert.

The nurse asked if I'm ready for some milo which I gladly accepted.

I finished two packets of cream crackers with the cup of milo. Nice and warm.

Around 11am, an O&G doctor came to check on me. He pressed on my tummy and I could feel the blood gush out. He also checked the amount of bleeding and said that I'm ready to go home. He asked the nurse to change my pad and left.

The nurse came in and asked if I feel nauseous. I said no but I think I'll need a change of sanitary pad and go toilet if possible. So the nurse helped me to the toilet. Since my robe is soiled, she said I can change into my own clothes if I want to. She helped me change and I felt cleaner and more decently wrapped up.

Hubby was out buying lunch and was surprised to find me all dressed up when he returned. As Hubby digs into his packet of vegetarian bee hoon, I started to feel hungry too.

After he finished his food, Hubby very kindly offered to buy me chicken mayo sandwich.

While waiting for Hubby and the green light to go home, I watched Matrix Reloaded on HBO.

Hubby came back with chicken mayo on ciabatta bread. I ate half of the sandwich and felt very satisfied.

At around 1245pm, we were finally heading home with my MC and prescribed paracetamol.

Overall, it wasn't as bad as one might think. But it's definitely emotionally devastating.

Hubby said we got to put this episode behind and move on with our life. He told me to focus on nursing myself back to good health.

As much as I know I need to let go and move on, I'll never forget this gloomy day when my baby is forever separated from me.