A love measured in memories

As Father's Day draws near, I thought I want to post a tribute to my Dad who has been my pillar of strength and who has instilled in me strong values.

What I like most about Dad is that he is always there. We are not well-to-do. To make ends meet, Mom and Dad worked two jobs each, and yet almost every other month, Dad had to ask for advance salary from his employer.

Life got better for us after Dad got his taxi license and started driving a cab for a living. Mom was then able to stay home and took care of me. Mom was the disciplinarian at home then and she watched over my studies closely to ensure that I did my best to go to good schools. I was caned even when I scored 99 marks for my tests/exams so long as the 1 mark deducted was due to carelessness. That was how I was trained since young to set high expectations for myself and to be meticulous in my work.

Every night, I would stay awake to wait patiently for Dad to return home. Sometimes, when he got home a little later, I would get worried and would cry for him. I remembered back then in our old home in Bedok, I like to lie on him on our green sofa to watch TV while drinking milo. As a taxi driver, he was working every day, rain or shine. But he would always find time to bring us out during school holidays. Every day, he will find time to have breakfast with me before sending me to school. Quite frequently, he would take the trouble to pick me up from school and drop me home. Dad has NEVER beaten me. He has scolded me before, but never had he raised his hand to beat me. So the image of him has always been that of a loving, doting father.

Dad lost both his parents at a young age and has to quit school to fend for himself. He vowed never to let his child go through what he went through. So no matter how tough life was, I was given all that I needed and much more than some of my peers. I went for piano classes, tried out ballet classes. Dad even bought me a piano and cramped it into our 3-room flat. I never felt even a tiny tinge of inferiority.

Dad taught me integrity - we worked hard for what we want. We may be poor but we never need to beg and borrow from anyone. We stood firm and strong on our own feet. 做人要有骨气，人穷志不穷。

Dad taught me generosity. True wealth is never about how much money you have, how big a house you own, or how much jewellery you wore, it's having a generous heart.

Dad taught me independence and trust in myself. Since young, I was taught to do things by myself. 靠自己才是最实际的.

Dad taught me strength and perserverance. He said, through adversities, you will only emerge stronger.

Dad taught me gratitude. 饮水思源 - that's what he always say.

Above all, Dad taught me love and the importance of family. I have very strong bonding with Mom and Dad. We were like friends. And up till today, Mom and Dad will still hold hands when they are out. They showed me how mutual respect, trust and love can sustain a marriage, even in tough times.

I always say that I want to marry a man like my Dad and looking at my hubby now, I do see some resemblance. Hubby is also a family man, a loving husband and a doting father.

I happened to read this article on the Dads for Life website (dadsforlife.sg) and thought it was a very touching story to share.

And to the 2 most important men in my life, Happy Father's Day!

A love measured in memories
by Jason Wong

A large part of my working life was spent behind bars - as a prison officer. For 17 years, I was surrounded by inmates from different backgrounds; drug addicts and hardcore criminals, among others. I saw first-hand what bad or absent parenting, especially fathering, could do to children and adults.

I knew early on in my own family life (picture), from watching these men and their lives, what kind of father I wanted to be. In recent years, I have been working with at-risk children and youths and multi-problem families, and have been struck by the absence of a father-figure in their lives.

My professional life has taught me a simple principle I hold very dear: It is easier to build boys and children than to fix men and adults.

A few years ago, I did what an article suggested: Close my eyes and recall scenes of my dad and myself.

What I "saw" was me waiting eagerly outside my house for dad to return (he worked in a shipyard) because I missed him; him holding my right hand and teaching me to write Chinese characters - he was educated only up to Primary 4 in China; me snuggling up to his side at night to hear stories of his childhood and how he came to Singapore; his constant advice to me to study hard, not to smoke and drink.

I think about what I would want my daughter and son to recall if they were put through a similar exercise years from now. I hope they would be images of lasting memories we have created for ourselves, of time spent together, playing board games and bedtime routines.

I am reminded of a saying that "if you want to be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today".

My commitment to family life was not a natural occurrence. Some years ago, I had a terrible day at work. And what do fathers do after a bad day? We come home and sit in front of our favourite "box" - the Xbox, the computer, the television.

Mine was the TV. This was how I de-stressed. That night, I was watching an early episode of American Idol where contestants made fools of themselves.

My wife asked why I was not helping her with the kids. I didn't want to bother her with my work problems, so I kept quiet. That night, we didn't talk to each other.

The next day I received a long email from her in which she expressed her unhappiness. In the last paragraph, she shared that, while everyone else looked up to me, at work or within my other circles, no one knew what I was like at home.

This was my wake-up call - no point being a hero outside and a zero at home!

I stopped watching TV (I've since resumed watching a bit as my kids are older now). I read to my children, play board games with them and tuck my son into bed at night.

A couple of years ago, I received the best Father's Day gift ever. My son gave me a hand-drawn card. Each page had a picture and a sentence like "Thank you for reading books to me" or "Thank you for telling me ghost stories". When I held that card in my hand, I knew it was all worth the sacrifice.

My dad has been my hero. I am what I am because of the sacrifices he made for his family. I spent a fair bit of time with him at the hospital early this year when he was being treated for cancer. Once, while I was following him closely on a trip to the bathroom to make sure I'd be there to catch him if he fell, it dawned upon me that that was what my dad did for me when I was a little toddler - walking behind me, watching me carefully, ready to dive forward to catch me.

On another occasion, when he was staying with me after his discharge from hospital, I took him downstairs for a walk.

All of a sudden, my dad turned to me and, with a twinkle in his eyes, said: "When you were young, I took you out for walks. Now, you take me out for walks."

As we rested on a bench, my 10-year-old son came up to sit with us. My dad looked at my son and said in dialect: "Your dad looks after you now. Make sure you look after your dad when he is old, just like what he is doing for me now."

My son smiled and nodded, and flew off to play again.

The richness of a father's love is best measured in the lasting memories we leave for our children.

These memories will one day guide them and comfort them as they comfort me.

Jason Wong is part of the team involved in setting up the Dads for Life movement.
http://www.todayonline.com/Columns/ParenttoParent/EDC110529-0000007/A-love-measured-in-memories